How do I Make My Visit at Home for the Upcoming Breaks Stress Free?
Written on November 10, 2009 from the desk of Devora BrustinGoing home to visit for a holiday or break can be a really wonderful experience. However, it can also be very stressful for everyone involved. For you, the college student, there have been emotional, intellectual and possibly physical and spiritual transitions and transformations. Being away from home you have gotten used to your freedom and independence. Going home can be such a welcome relief… Hugging your parents, throwing your laundry in the machine, lounging on the couch, eating a home cooked meal, and sleeping in your own bed… But then, what about the next day when you are asked to set the table, told to be home by 1 a.m., and quizzed about your grades? Can this power struggle be avoided or at least dealt with in a way that your independence is honored and your parents are respected?
There is a beautiful Jewish value pertaining to peace in the home, in Hebrew called SHALOM BAYIT. The blessing of Shalom Bayit is traditionally displayed on the wall of one’s home and asks that G-d’s presence should dwell among the family.
The Hebrew text reads : “B’ze hasha’ar lo yavo tza’ar, B’zot hadira lo tavo tzara , b’zot ha-delet lo tavo bahelet b’zot hamachlaka lo tavo machloket ,b’ze hamakom tehee bracha v’shalom”
The exact translation: “Through these gates may no trouble pass; may no tragedy enter these living quarters; through this door may no confusion, consternation, trauma, anxiety come; into this space may no argument develop; into this place may there come only blessing and peace.
A more modern translation says “Lord please dwell in this house with light and joy, peace and friendship. Fill our home with an abundance of blessing and holiness. In every room and every corner, the light of your holy Torah and Mitzvot should shine to eternity. Amen.”
- Why do you think Jewish tradition provides this blessing?
- What do you think the purpose might be in placing this prayer near the entry of one’s home?
In the portion of the Torah titled “Lech Lecha” we learn that Abraham is asked to leave his familiar home land and go to an unfamiliar place and start over.
“G-d said to Abraham – Go away from your land, your birthplace, and go to the land that I will show you and I will make you great.” (Genesis 12:1)
We learn from this that we all need to leave home in some way, to individuate and separate from what we know to become who we are destined to become.
- How did you feel when you left home for the first time?
- What were your concerns, fears, hopes?
- Did you talk about it with your parents? Have you ever?
- Do you think that we need to distance ourselves from our parents to grow up, and why?
Going home can be joyful and stressful. Take some time to think about what you want to get out of your time at home and what possible situations might have tension (example: chores, curfews, privacy, family obligations, religious observance…)
Now, think about your parents perspective and some ideas prevent miscommunications and unmet expectations.
Examples:
- Curfew: Parents are going to worry no matter how old you are. That said, what was your curfew during high school? Is there a new curfew you think is reasonable now? Is no curfew appropriate as long as you call in / text?
- Privacy: You may have gotten used to your privacy but for parents, letting go is difficult. Be proactive in sharing stories about your classes, professors, friends, and activities. Be open to questions and perhaps even ask for some specific advice to include them in your process.
To help you with this task, you might choose to journal, collage, or talk with a friend about this topic. A moment of reflection and planning will go a long way.
B’Hatzlaha – All the best! Let me know how it goes…